Hits, Misses, Dead Ends

Hits, Misses, Dead Ends

'You kiss me like an over-dramatic actor who's starving for work, with one last shot to make it happen.'


Expectations aren't kind.


They won't speak gently into your ear, motivating you with tender words and warm encouragement. They won't pull you up, push you on, or ever bring up your sense of self-worth. They break you. Like a marathon runner shackled with a weight at the ankles, you drag this burden, heavier with every step. It's an unnecessary weight shouldered on the backs of success. The more you achieve, the more they expect. It's never enough. 


I have a fear of expectation. People tend to think that I'm encouraged by it, that I'll try harder if they tell me I can do better. More often than not, their words only wind tight around my wrists like handcuffs from the tips of tongues. They restrict me, causing a tide of anxiety to wash over my sight and blur the paths of even the simplest tasks. I'll feel the unblinking strain of their judgemental eyes on my back just waiting for a mistake to jeer, a fault to criticise.


So I let them down, and I let myself down. I fail, intentionally. It's better to give up and fail than to even bother trying at all. However twisted the logic may sound, it works. It succeeds where my effort hasn't, relinquishing me from the expectation that became too much to bear. People don't understand why I would choose to do that. They could never comprehend why I would waste my talents, my potential merely because I'm scared to fail. And that's where everyone is wrong.


I'm not scared to fail, at all. Far from it. No, it's the complete opposite. I want the option to fail. I want it to be there, in the back of my mind, that small guarantee that says there is no guarantee over anything. I want it to keep me grounded, sheltering my perseverance from an ego's complacency. I want to be allowed to fail.  Expectation limits you, because it sets its minimum at perfection. It's all or nothing, there's no other way. Without it, I'm free to win or lose as I please, risks and chances abound. And I like it that way.


'Dream of demons while you sleep that make you stutter when you speak.'